your weekend rom(com)dezvouz: The Kissing Booth (parts 1 and 2)
why I chose to endure this with a migraine, I truly do not know
Ok I am using punctuation and attempting proper grammar (i.e. punctuation) for the sanity of folks kind enough to follow this newsletter. I have a migraine and yet I am doing this for the people, as a beautiful, benevolent, masochistic miser. Happy Friday, we have made it through what literally feels like the longest week of 2020 so far. Please read this email and avoid your responsibilities, it is what YOU deserve.
image: himbo canon icon jake gyllenhall blowing you a kiss on behalf of me and my altruism
PART ONE: A CINDERELLA CATCHES HER HIMBO
image: best friends Lee Flynn and Elle Evans (who both have first names as last names because the writing is so creative and layered) looking very perplexed, which is how I felt from start to finish
Ah yes, it’s a trope we all should love and hold dear: girl next door/childhood best friend who is clearly infatuated with the best friend’s older brother, who’s not only a (FLAMING HOT MODERN DAY MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING PROTOTYPE) himbo but also an aggressive (physically) feminist (for selfish reasons mostly as we discover later). Elle (Joey King) is a 16yo (17? idk 11th grade age, I have a migraine I only picked this to respectfully appreciate Jacob Elordi aka childhood best friend’s brother, Noah’s abs and jawline) classic Drew Barrymore heroine circa 1999: a certified, NEVER BEEN KISSED, BABY. Baby Elle is just trying to get through high-school with as little notoriety/embarrassment while leaving a lasting impression/mark alongside her bff (literally forever-ever, it is emphasized the entire movie). Like, honey, pick one or the other like the rest of us had to. She grows a woman’s body (ok puberty we love that—RELATABLE!!) over the summer and captures the attention of high school boys for the first time when she has to wear an outgrown plaid skirt that is now clearly a mini-skirt/porn costume to school after ripping her outgrown pants. Noah comes to her rescue/defense after a high school jock sexually assaults her with a spank in the parking lot. CUE HIMBOS WRESTLING!!!!!! And thus, Elle’s mind starts spinning and projecting her desires onto the intentions of Noah, who is at the mercy of his spikes of testosterone.
She’s best friends with Lee (who shares the same birthday so they haven’t been separated since birth) and they uphold strict rules (weird and arbitrary, but when we’re young and stupid, rules are fun!!!!) about being strictly platonic with each other as well as each other’s (really just Lee’s FLAMING HOT HIMBO) siblings. The rules were established when they were 6--how that even comes up after cooties or Sesame Street, I don’t know. What I do know is that they seemingly have no other friends, most likely because no other 7-year-old would have the capacity or patience to recite/remember 18+ rules!!!! Also, they are obsessed with DDR. In the year 2017ish? Which is like fine as a hobby, but it’s the only thing that they seem to have in common outside of being sexually inexperienced which makes it weird. (I am begging people to understand that you are allowed to like and explore more than the one hobby you love in your life, it is okay. The hobby will still be there for you to enjoy.)
Lee and Elle come up with the idea of a kissing booth for an indeterminable school event. There’s a carousel and like fair rides? What kind of high school event is this and what kind of funds do they have? I mean obviously the two attend a private school due to the movie-opening uniform meltdown but CLEARLY MASSIVE FUNDS and an obvious lack of horniness regulations????? I guess horniness is acceptable when it’s raising money for CHARITY!!! Mostly because the funds are being stupidly allocated to carnival things! so more money must be raised for the charities! one thing leads to another and after an obvious build-up of 16-17 years and 46 minutes of burgeoning hormones/sexual tension, Noah and Elle kiss—gasp—at the kissing booth—EVEN BIGGER GASP—which leads Elle to break a very pivotal rule: DO NOT FORM FEELINGS FOR OLDER BROTHER. which is cute!!!! good for miss never been kissed Elle!
Anyway, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this movie or the obvious love interest mostly because the dialogue is HORRENDOUS! give our himbo consistent substance!!!! we ping pong between gorgeous Jacob Elordi being calculatingly charming, slightly too physically aggressive (he fist-fights literally every boy who is grossly rude to Elle which ideally is what more men should do on our behalf but in this scenario really controlling and terrifying!! like why is he so angry all the time!), or moody. We also have to put up with the scheming, obviously very insecure and jealous best friend/little brother Lee Flynn. WHO GETS HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE. EXCUSE ME, BUT A SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY WITH RAGING HORMONES AND A NEW GIRLFRIEND SHOULD BE PRE-OCCUPIED WITH THINGS OTHER THAN COCK-BLOCKING HIS BROTHER. TIS BIOLOGY.
image: himbo speaks the line “you are the only girl who doesn’t fall at my feet” and is somehow still sexy even if stupid—probably has to do with the muscles and the rain-soaked hair, or the chilesed jawline? what do I know
Miss never been kissed loses her virginity to tall himbo of the decade behind the Hollywood sign after Noah reveals he reciprocates her feelings (good for her but the best part about fooling around is like making out constantly??? and not doing the deed for like what feels like forever but is probably only like four months?) and has a fun secret romance with him before things spin WAY out of control when Lee finally finds out. The brothers get into a backyard brawl outside of their Parasite-esque mini-mansion and Lee delivers this ~devastating~ blow to Elle: "You know, my whole life Noah has gotten everything that he has ever wanted. The only thing that I had that he didn't, was you. And now he has that too." YES, THIS IS IN FACT SAID BY THE BLUBBERING BOY BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN HIS MOUTH IMMEDIATELY BEFORE HE DRIVES AWAY IN HIS CONVERTIBLE STAG. It is at this point, you discover by googling, that men did in fact write this script. A mother in the form of Molly Ringwald offers sage, badly-timed advice to her almost daughter. Even though, clearly, she should be lending it to her possessive/emotionally unstable sons? She does, however, launder Noah’s sexy alone time petroleum jelly socks because she loves to spoil her boys to the point of rot. (If Molly Ringwald is in a movie/tv show as a mom, that is how you know nothing will make sense—I have decided this on behalf of my sanity. See: riverdale and life of a pregnant teenager or whatever that mess was called)
yada yada yada expensive, cheesy prom happens, Noah shows up out of the depths of his dark brooding feelings and professes his love publicly, Elle runs away out of conflicting feelings for her best friend (???) and his brother (???) and because young teen girls aren’t allowed to be happy!!!!! MIRACULOUSLY, HOWEVER, AFTER SEEING HIS BEST FRIEND MISERABLE FOR MONTHS BC SHE HASNT BEEN DICKING THE HOT GENIUS (Noah gets into Harvard probably out of legacy/family money more than merit BUT STILL I must mention this) HIMBO LOVE OF HER YOUNG LIFE, LEE FLYNN HAS A CHANGE OF HEART AND TELLS ELLE, IN TEARS, AT THEIR JOINT DDR-THEMED COSTUMED BIRTHDAY PARTY, THAT HE WANTS TO SEE HIS FRIEND HAPPY AND URGES HER TO GO AFTER NOAH EVEN THOUGH HE SHOULD PERHAPS ALSO PROPOSE RE-EXAMINING THEIR DUMB SET OF 18+ RULES (HOW MANY ARE THERE YOU ASK??? NO IDEA TRULY THEY KEEP BRINGING THEM UP LIKE SAD, TWELVE-YEAR-OLD INSIDE JOKES).
More cliche lines are swapped and boom Noah and Elle have a beautiful summer together romping around and romping each other in the Flynn’s summer beach home. They literally live in Hollywood. How do you need a beach home in addition to your mansion in the hills.. .make it make sense, white male screenwriter. PLEASE!!! they decide to do long-distance and Elle closes the movie with a weird, brooding monologue after Noah flies to Boston. which again, I cannot emphasize enough, is so bizarrely strange to me that a middle-aged white man was just sitting at a desk there projecting his emotions onto a fictional, 17-year-old girl via typewriter. end scene/bizarre movie.
PART TWO: A CINDERELLA TRIES TO KEEP HER HIMBO
Truly, I am so sincerely sorry if you are reading this. Also, I must ask why if you are when this is clearly an anti-kissing booth review. Precautionary even. If I can save you from losing brain cells, it will be worth the sacrifice of my own. All I can say is, Netflix knew I would watch this to thirst over a sensitive, lonely Jacob Elordi in a Harvard sweatshirt and they were right.
image: Elle facetiming Noah//if your hot himbo boyfriend communicates badly, TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!! IF HE IS SMART ENOUGH TO GET INTO HARVARD, HE CAN HANDLE FIGURING OUT HOW TO MAYBE BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND
I will save you the trouble and outline the plot:
Noah and Elle are doing long distance between L.A. and Boston (lol NOT fun)
Elle becomes a third wheel to Lee and his gf, Rachel, who is put-off by their unhealthy attachment to each other (as is literally everybody else)
Noah convinces Elle to think about applying to Boston schools, rather than only bidding for UC Berkeley, which she and Lee determined they should attend together at indeterminable age because RULE NINETEEN! GO TO COLLEGE WHERE YOUR BESTIE GOES!!! why do these rules not have AMENDMENTS!!!!!!! also!!!! WHY HAS MOLLY RINGWALD NOT TAUGHT HER STAND-IN DAUGHTER TO NOT THROW AWAY YOUR FUTURE OR DERAIL YOUR PLANS FOR A MAN anyway, she agrees to consider adding Boston schools to her application pool bc long-distance is hard! (BREAK UP! or like, communicate and plan reunions better!!)
Elle learns that college is expensive!!!!! WOAH! also literally seems to have never considered other schools at all? or what she wants to study? but is absolutely willing to follow either of the Flynn boys wherever they are
She forms a strange camaraderie/tense acquaintanceship with a new himbo Marco, who sings and plays guitar because what is a high school movie without at least ONE guy who definitely sings Wonderwall to impress the ladies
ONCE AGAIN Lee and Elle have trouble convincing people to participate in their kissing booth despite its massive success the year prior which tells us how truly ~insufferable~ they must be
Elle discovers a DDR competition with a 50K dollar prize: MONETARY PROBLEMS SOLVED for like a year of tuition because, once again, this script was finished without further attention to detail from its white male screenwriter
Elle becomes stressed over her LDR with Noah, and it doesn’t help when she meets one of his uni friends, Chloe, who is gorgeous and British and sophisticated, on a trip out to Boston to visit Noah and to do college interviews. Rachel becomes growingly frustrated by how much time Lee spends with Elle over her. The real conflict in this movie is female insecurity/comparison in addition to toxic men, but idk I feel like the two go hand-in-hand.
image: Noah Flynn and Elle Evans underage drinking in a classy Boston pub//TO this day, I am sad to admit and own that I would indeed be a s*ut for a Harvard Hottie Dressed In Knit Shawl Collar Cardigans (see: nanny diaries Chris Evans)
Elle, surprisingly, communicates her feelings about Chloe and her fear of Noah’s potential infidelity MORE THAN ONCE, to which Noah responds that there’s nothing to worry about while also hiding that he is clearly spending a lot of time with Chloe. TOXIC!!!! Elle later discovers that Noah is gaslighting her :) but just internalizes the pain bc they don’t know how to communicate :) :)
Elle develops feelings for Marco as Noah alienates her more and more, and the two build a connection over their insane DDR competition preparation. (Lee fakes an injury during DDR practice so he can spend more time with Rachel after chickening out from communicating about space with Elle. hmm. a familiar theme among the Flynn boys. Marco is convinced by Lee to sub for him.)
The climax of conflict comes at the surreal DDR competition that literally looks like a strange VR experience in a packed entertainment arena. (WHO IS ATTENDING A DDR COMPETITION IN 2019/2020??) In an intense moment after their dirty-dancing, fire saga channeling routine, Elle and Marco kiss. This devastates Noah, who has flown home early to surprise Elle in the audience. Because she and Marco win the money, she can’t run after Noah to reconcile. (ALSO It’s never discussed whether she’s just taking all the money or if she and Marco planned to split it? but ok)
She attends Thanksgiving dinner at the Flynn’s to Noah’s surprise—which makes literally no sense, she’s your girlfriend and close family friend who is always celebrating things at your house??? Things are super tense! Mostly because Chloe is also present, having flown home with Noah! (??!!!!) WHY WOULD YOU NOT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU’RE BRINGING HOME THE FRIEND WHO TRIGGERS HER INSECURITY? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A BAD HIMBO FUCKBOY PAST???????? TOXIC!!!!! EVEN BRITNEY WOULD BE APPALLED! little twerp brother Lee Flynn is also mad because he’s discovered Elle has been applying to Boston schools where the love of her life is (UNFATHOMABLE!), rather than just sticking to their plans of going to Berkeley. WHy no rational adults are literally talking sense to any of them so they can enjoy their dinner IN TERSE SILENCE, again, makes no sense to me.
TEARS FLY! (on and off-screen, because I’m so frustrated/confused following this plot and timeline!) Elle and Rachel talk heart to heart and Rachel admits to Elle that Lee is a bad boyfriend and that she shouldn’t have blamed her insecurity on Elle! OK! So one person comes to their wits! Elle makes up with Lee when she reunites Rachel and Lee at the kissing booth (at another carnival event which I guess happens the weekend after Thanksgiving/after Homecoming even though last year’s was before prom???) and tries to find Noah after Marco professes he has feelings, leading her to realize she still loves original Himbo #1.
Chloe talks Noah into finding Elle to fix things because she’s a great friend (the female equivalent of Lee to Elle, as Noah describes) despite also being a MEGA-FLIRT WITH ZERO BOUNDARIES!!!! WHO WROTE THIS MOVIE WHY DON’T THEY ADVOCATE SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND WHY DID NETFLIX OKAY THIS KNOWING THE DEMOGRAPHIC IS MOSTLY TEENAGE GIRLS! Noah explains Chloe helped him acclimate because our precious himbo was struggling at Harvard! HONEY, SINCE YOU LITERALLY NEVER READ OR STUDIED IN PART ONE, THAT WAS TO BE EXPECTED!
They make up, continue their LDR, and then somehow we flash forward to graduation!!!! Noah is home from school and we learn Elle has been accepted at both Harvard and Berkeley (once again I am FUMING at the lack of any effort in her personal essay/application process whatsoever!!!) and has to make a choice between following Lee or him(bo). When asked about school, she tells them she’s been waitlisted at both rather than telling the truth. THIS TIMELINE MAKES NO SENSE—IF YOU ARE GOING TO COLLEGE IN THE FALL AND HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED, ACCEPTANCE DAY HAPPENS ON MAY 1ST WHERE YOU MUST REPORT YOUR COMMITMENT SO WAITLISTERS CAN BE OFFERED SPOTS OPENED UP BY REFUSALS.
the movie fades out and we must tearfully accept that we have to ENDURE a part 3 to see how this himbo romance either fizzles out or flourish.
MY THOUGHTS OVERALL??? I FELT LIKE I WAS DRUNK! I FELT LIKE I WAS SOBER READING THROUGH MY OWN DRUNK WAT-PAD RECOLLECTION OF AN ACID TRIP DREAM! (disclaimer: I have never done acid, but I imagine being sleep-deprived for more than 30 hours, which sadly happens often for me, is probably very close.)
reasons to watch this: jacob elordi, jacob elorid, truly UNHINGED dialogue, and… jacob elordi
image: incredibly smoking hot Noah Flynn sitting in his literally perfect, decked out Harvard Dorm which has as much space as my adult one-bedroom apartment and a FIREPLACE SOMEHOW!!!
ANYWAY HAPPY VIEWING, actually please absolutely do not watch this sober.